Saturday, October 6, 2012 - Part One (Lead-Up, Getting Ready, Pre-Ceremony)

Something awesome happened. I got married! It's been almost 3 weeks and it simultaneously feels like it happened just yesterday and like it happened a lifetime ago. The day was amazing. Everyone says that and you kind of never believe that it's as perfect as they say it was, but it is. Even if things go wrong, you are marrying the love of your life. There's nothing about that that isn't perfect. Nothing.

In the days leading up to the wedding I was incredibly stressed out. Stressed about money, vendors, people asking me ridiculous questions, and a few problems that I should not have had to deal with AT ALL that got thrown at me. My out of town mom, step-dad and brother were staying with us so luckily I had my mom to lean on. I had kind of a breakdown on Thursday and I'm really glad that she was there to let me cry and rub my back. Something really stupid happened and it just made all of my stress come out at once and you know what, no matter how old you are, sometimes you just need your mom to stand next to you while you cry in your bathroom.

Friday morning I woke up at around 5am and felt so sick. I felt dizzy and nauseated and considered staying in bed really late but I knew that wouldn't help since it was all from anxiety. I decided to get up and go for a walk. I basically just walked around my apartment complex for 2.5 hours watching the sun come up and feeling the change in the air. I was texting my best friend who works overnights so he was up and we were talking about things that had 0 to do with the wedding. I got a really sweet text from my father-in-law. I listened to whatever music my little heart desired. I could have kept walking but I decided I should probably go home when Clinton asked where I was and I didn't want to ignore everyone once they were up. I felt a lot better after that - I sort of just let everything go on that walk. I decided that there were things that were beyond my control and that I just had to stop stressing out and enjoy the weekend. There were a lot of errands to run that day and I was so thankful to have my family there to help with that. In the afternoon when we were packing up the cars with everything to drive the city where we were spending the weekend, my mom said that it was the first time that week she had seen me smiling and excited, so obviously the walk helped, and there was a definite change in tone - I was just really excited to get things started.

Friday night when we arrived for set-up and rehearsal the garden where our ceremony was scheduled was completely flooded. Some pipe had burst or something and flooded the entire lawn where all of the guest chairs were to be set up. Surprisingly enough, I did not freak out. There was a guy there backwashing the water and the venue staff assured me that it would be taken care of, so I kind of just had to trust in that. I enjoyed Friday night because it was the first time that everyone in our wedding party and our families had all been together due to us including several out-of-staters - it was really nice to be around everyone at once. We all ate an enormous BBQ dinner hosted by my parents at Famous Dave's and then Clinton and I thanked everyone and handed out wedding party/parent gifts. We spent so much time looking for/picking out/ordering gifts and trying to find a balance between something that would remind them of the wedding, and something personal that they would actually like/want to use, and I think that it was a success. Everyone seemed to really enjoy what we got them, so I was super happy about that.

After the dinner everyone went their separate ways, including my groom, who went out with all his old high school buddies that he is still friends with. If you're wondering if they had fun, perhaps this picture one of them snapped will answer your question:

bahahahaha

 While the boys were being the exact same boys that they have always been (teehee) I was having a meetup with a few of my friends who came from alllllll over the place to go to my wedding. Seriously - 3 from Europe, one from Ohio, and two from California. I wasn't sure if we would have time to get together that weekend but I'm so glad that I got to spend that time with them! They were all staying in the same hotel as me so that was nice - when I decided around 1am that I really needed to go get some sleep, all I had to do was go up a couple of floors to go to bed.

Saturday morning dawned DARK and early. As in, I woke up at 430am. And then laid there quietly in the dark trying not to wake anyone (crashed with my mom, step-dad and little brother the night before) until like 7am. There is really no way to describe the feeling you get when you wake up knowing that it is your wedding day. It's exciting and scary and unlike anything else you've ever felt. I waited until morning of to write in Clinton's card - it was so cute. On the front there was a picture of Lady and Tramp - you know, the iconic one with the spaghetti - in blue tones, and on the inside, all it said was "I just knew." I can't remember exactly what I wrote - I wanted it to be honest and raw and pure which is why I waited until that morning. I sat down at the desk and wrote in it, sealed it up, and put it in my go-bag with his gift, and that's when things started to feel real. I looked at my dress hanging on the door. I looked at my brother playing LEGO on the floor. And then I got the World's Cutest Text from Clinton that said, "Good morning wifey! Today is going to be so fun. I am so excited. Eeeeee!" If there's a better way to start off the dawn of your wedding day, I don't know what it is.

The rest of the morning is a bit of a blur. I went down with my mom (and possibly my brother and step-dad? I can't even remember) to get the hotel breakfast. I might have seen people I know down there but again, I can't remember. I pushed around the food on my plate partly because I was nervous, and partly because it tasted weird. I wasn't concerned with eating a large breakfast - large meals make me sick and I didn't intend to eat a full meal all day - I had a whole bunch of snacks (fruit, veg, half sandwiches) in the refrigerator in my hotel room to eat every couple of hours to keep my sugars and energy up. I remembered last minute that we hadn't brought anything to cut the cake so my step-dad saved the day and ran out to find me one. At some point I moved all of my things from my parents' room to the room Clinton and I had for the night so I could get ready in there. I changed into my rhinestone bedazzled "Bride" tank top and robe (hey, you only get to do this once, right, so why not go all out!) and tried to stay relaxed while getting myself ready for hair and make-up. I was SUPPOSED to do my mom's hair but unfortunately the styles I had picked ended up not working AT ALL and I was getting flustered, so in the end she just put it half up which I actually think was better, because she is beautiful and looked like herself. :)

Soon, my amazing sister Jacque came to my room to beautify me. My sister does not do this for a living, but she is AMAZING at hair and make-up. I am so blessed to have someone like her to do that for me! I felt so much more comfortable with it being someone so close to me - she knows how I look everyday and knew that I didn't want to look like a different person. My friend/photographer (Tea) showed up about 1/2way through the hair process.

Once my hair was done, mom left to go get ready. Jacque finished up my makeup while Tea took photos of us and of my dress. Also, a funny thing happened - we could see the pool from my room and some of my friends from the night before were down there so I texted that I could see them - then they texted back that they got a sneak preview of my dress hanging in the window! I was keeping my dress secret but I wasn't upset because a dress hanging in a window 4 stories above you definitely doesn't give much away, I just thought it was a kinda cute thing.

My sister finished up and left, my mom came back, and it was time to go. We had a bit of a snafu here - I had thought that Clinton left me the car at my hotel and would be riding with his people to the venue, but it turned out that our car was with him at the other hotel! Unfortunately I had been planning to transport some people, so we had a last minute shuffle where I crammed in with my parents and Tea (seriously, she is amazing in every way) rescued me by having her husband get ready really quickly so he could drive a couple people. When we got to the venue, the ground was still a little wet from the night before - I didn't know all the details until later, but Clinton had gone to check earlier in the day and there were still 2 inches of standing water so he flipped out on the owner and got it fixed, thank goodness! Again though, I figured there was nothing I could really do at that point, so I had to just deal with it. My DJ was already there (seriously if anyone in AZ is looking for a DJ let me know and I will give you his info, this guy was awesome) and getting a feel for things - he came up to me quickly to ask a question about the processional and apologized profusely for asking me questions on my wedding day haha, but it was no big deal, he was just trying to make sure things were exactly as I wanted them. I sort of ran around the venue for a little bit just double checking the tables and signing off on the floral delivery and putting out a couple of last-minute things, and then it was time to hide from everyone in my bridal room with all of our flowers.

 If Clinton had said to me that he wanted to abandon a traditional part of the wedding, I would have been open to it. We didn't want to include traditions for the sake of tradition - Neither one of us like cake, so we decided to only have a tiny one for pictures of the cutting and instead have a gelato bar for dessert. We also didn't include any "ceremonies" (sand, hand fasting, etc) or readings within our ceremony even though everyone else seems to. The one thing that neither of us was willing to budge on was not seeing each other between leaving the rehearsal dinner and walking down the aisle. I know that people do a First Look now to have extra time for photos and a lot of people don't care if they see each other before, but this was something we absolutely would not bend on, and I'm so glad we did it that way. SO, because of this, I spent just over an hour hiding in my little bridal suite! I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but it felt like an eternity. People (Step-mom, mother-in-law, sisters) were coming in and out, I could hear people walking around outside and in the building just outside my door - when my mom or one of my bridesmaids or the videographer would come in or go out I would catch glimpses of people and want to say hi to them but also worry that they might see me! I sort of just sat on the couch and waited and ate a little bit of fruit and watched my bridesmaids and Day of Coordinator steam my dress.

It's a surreal feeling and I found that you actually miss a LOT of the day as the bride - there's so much going on but you're tucked away and in your own little world. Getting the photos back has helped fill in some holes - it was really neat to look at things that I wasn't a part of and see a different view of the day.

I was mostly calm all day, and at one point when I did get nervous my bridesmaid Tori sat next to me and said some words that I (obviously) can't remember and calmed me down. I laughed and told her thanks for being such a bridesmaid and giving me the obligatory pep talk. Soon after, I sent Tea and Krystal (MOH) over to the boys' room to give Clinton his wedding day gift. I got him custom white gold Dallas Maverick's cufflinks. The cufflinks were cool, but they were nothing compared to the packaging. It is a long, convoluted, incredibly sappy story, but in our relationship, those holiday Hostess fruitcakes are very important. Fruitcake is a super romantic thing to us which I know sounds incredibly ridiculous, but it's true. So, knowing that, I found a vintage Hostess fruitcake tin on Ebay. I actually lost 3 separate auctions for this, but I finally won the last one, and I was so excited that I cried haha. I filled it with packing peanuts and placed the box atop them. I know that an old, beat up tin might look really weird to some people, but for us, it was about the most romantic thing I could have possibly done.

A few minutes later Krystal and Tea returned, this time with Clinton's best man Robert. He said that my present did its job - that he teared up and got emotional. They said that at first he didn't get the tin so they told him to look at it more closely and then he cried. Hearing that, of course, made me cry a little bit. I got it together and Robert said that Clinton felt really bad because my gift was wrapped all nicely and had a card, and that he didn't have any of that, just had a box. He handed me a small silver box and I joked that I had totally won in the presentation category (lol), then I opened the box and inside was a custom copper ring. There's no secret reason behind this - I just really love copper and always want copper jewelery but can never find any - BUT I looked at it and noticed there was an engraving and I just lost it because it had our little inside phrase "Fruitcake Happened" engraved in it. Being on exactly the same page made me so emotional - we hadn't previously discussed incorporating fruitcake, but we both did it anyway in the most private part of the day. It was like a scene out of a movie - I was ugly crying, trying to stop because I didn't want to mess up my make-up, people were using their hands to fan my face... I was a mess. And I wanted so badly to see him, to hug him, to have just a breath of him, but I knew that I had to wait.

Finally, at long last, it was time to put the dress on. First, I kicked everyone out so that I could change into my special wedding day undies. I had some that had a little ruffled veil on the bum =P When that was done, my mom, Tea, Tori, and Krystal (my other bridesmaid is a dude, so he was not invited haha) came in to help me. Again, this is one of those things that I don't have a clear memory of. I mean, obviously I got into the dress and someone (or more than one someone) zipped me up and buttoned the million buttons. [ETA: Photos show that it was Krystal and my mom who did all the buttons.] I think my mom laughed and made a joke about how long it would take Clinton to help me get my dress off that night. I know that the videographer had said earlier in the day that he wanted to come in to get a shot of them buttoning me up but I honestly don't remember if he was actually there or not.

Once the dress was on I put on my earrings and right-hand ring, had help putting on my bracelet, FORGOT TO PUT ON MY GARTER SET! (more on that later), my sister came in to fasten my veil, and I stood in front of the mirror and cried a little bit. Jacque told me I better stop crying because we didn't have time to fix my makeup (LOL) and then she started tearing up and everyone said how beautiful I was, and I felt amazing, and so excited, and surrounded by love. Krystal and Tori left to go meet their partner attendants and get everyone lined up and my mom and I had a moment alone. She read me a couple of passages and then prayed over me and my marriage and gave me a small book. In that moment and the few seconds after I was incredibly calm, and then I stood up and saw everyone standing outside and had the TEENIEST of panic attacks - I made my mom leave for like 2 minutes but I was fine, I just needed a second to calm myself. Right after that, it was sort of an exchange of parents - my Day of Coordinator asked if I was ready for dad, and took my mom to line up to get ready to walk out with everyone else.

Dad came into my room and looked at me and cried and asked me how I was. I can't remember exact words, I just remember thinking that he looked so handsome, and that there was nobody else I would rather have next to me at that moment. We had to wait inside for a few minutes while the processional was starting and I was SO DAMN NERVOUS about all of the people waiting, and just SO ready to walk outside and see my groom. The DOC said that she would come and get us when it was time to walk, but I got too antsy and nervous about her not coming to get us - I needed to hear the music because I had it timed so that I knew exactly when we needed to walk out from behind the tree hiding us to make our way down the aisle. (As a small aside, the song that we walked to was Craig Armstrong's "Portuguese Love Theme" from the movie Love Actually. If you've got a few minutes and would like to listen to it, you can do so here). So I didn't listen to her about the waiting and we walked out of my room to the big French doors opening up onto the patio where the bridal party was lined up. As soon as I saw everyone and how beautiful they all were, all nervousness left me. I said, probably a little too loudly, "aww, everyone looks so NICE!" and then they all turned around and noticed me haha, but that's okay. Everyone said how beautiful I was and I watched our closest friends and family proceed down and around the corner one by one until finally, dad and I were the only ones left.

I stood there for a moment clinging to my daddy's arm, listening to the music, aware that all of the planning of the last 15 months was done. I was about to walk down the aisle and see Clinton's perfect face, and get married to the goddamn love of my life. Nearly 9 years had led to this moment and I could not have been more ready. I had fleeting images of our relationship - the first conversation we ever had, the silly prank calls he used to make to me, his olive green tie and grey slacks. Hugs in the parking lot and standing in a cone of light under the streetlamp with the snow falling and sticking to his eyelashes and watching Super Troopers and eating chicken nuggets at 3am on his beat up old futon. I peench, Fruitcake Happened, Lil Guy and Lil Fella. A kiss on the dock, the key to our first apartment, and a million and one laughs. And then, suddenly, I heard the part of the song that was my cue. I took a deep breath, nudged my dad, and we started our walk down the long, long aisle.



All photos courtesy of Tea Ho of Dreambox Photography